ballroom music (fuck no)

by the Doorman

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#5 in The Doorman Compact Cassette Series

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released March 9, 2019

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the Doorman Utrecht, Netherlands

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Track Name: shot at a webcam loft
two women get together and fix me up with morphine
I doze away and I play them a little organ
she plays cool when she finds a mistress in her wardrobe
her boyfriend is a total jerk but a handsome broker

I have seen the dancing queen when she was still a loner
off the floor she took some crack and then she danced slower
she flew backstage in a rage when the band had gone sober
Batman watched when she fucked the Penguin and the Joker

no-one needs a grown-up man with sweaty hands sniffin' underwear
the crowd rejoiced in his off-key voice, tremblin' with utter fear
on stage he found a way to hide himself behind the band
in the audience there was not a single fan

I don't feel the need to sleep with your mother or your girlfriend
I don't feel the need to sleep with your girlfriend
I don't wanna be one of your disgusting friends
I'd rather feel like to stay in my house
drinking beer and thinking small and waiting for your call
pressing the record button in a state of reverie
Track Name: it's over (and the antichrist is among us)
I know you locked your feelings inside
I know you wanted me to be there tonight
and your boyfriend's ain't gonna stop me now
he's calling the shots in the handicap spot

my prescience kept me from goin' insane
I tried to make good music to soothe my pain
but I find myself throwin' all this crap away
curling myself up into a foetal state

you are in the fall of the evening praying
you are averting your eyes when facing
I stare at the sand in the clock
I know you still think a lot about me

you saw the walls in your room were thinner
you knew I could hear you screaming
while I was hanging out with stupid girls
he promised you a lot and I knew I'd never see you again

now I find myself getting lonelier and lonelier
your absence began to take shape and it turned into a black hole
I started losing weight and dip the inner light
but when I looked into the mirror I still appeared to be alive

no-one can say I'd ever given up on you
no-one will stay with you and be so good
you have to know I'm all right now
know I'm all right now...
Track Name: Star Death III: The Search for Cock
get down, on your knees and crawl
with yr tongue you'll sweep the floor
holy water, the Book, a crucifix
white trash get out!

gee, yr friends I hate'em all
they live their lives in a shopping mall
gee, yr friends are a lot like you
nothin' under the dress and nothing to do

know, the label wants this to cash in
you have to show all u got on MTV
and if there's more they gonna hose u down
upskirt in Beverly Hills

gee, yr friends I hate'em all
they live their lives in a shopping mall
gee, yr friends are a lot like you
nothin' under the dress and nothing to do

she found a new BF
pathetic times
a topless self-shot
that's no surprise

I'd rather stay home
if that's alright with you
gave me a nosejob
the word 'nose' doesn’t even rhyme with 'blow'
no…

look at the silhouette of Scarlett
the times she passed me by
without even noticing
on the red carpet, the red ...
Track Name: a young man's descent into oblivion
geography class alright
Heather got laid tonight
disappointment for all our guys
but hey we’ve got weed

Smokable Jesus
long-legged teachers
violence and smack
our principal’s head

oh pretty please with sugar on top
I want you back in my life, you’re a real kick ass girl

now that I see what a sucker I’ve been
to have followed your tracks across the whole goddamn nation

her blonde hair in a knot
God complex or what?
glacial landscapes on screen
please look at me

you’re all over the road map
he got into yr pretty head
I’m sure he’s obscene
a mean cold machine

oh pretty please with sugar on top
I want you back in my life, you’re a real kick ass girl

now that I see what a fucker you’ve met
I acknowledge the fact he’s a goddamn asshole

oh Judas Priest
he wore a t-shirt to the knees
half-assed metal up your ass
can’t believe she got all wet and ..
that dude’s a fag

in one of my dreams I woke up and had a real family
daddy cut the meat and stuck a knife in my head
look at him, he’s a machine!
Track Name: anything the lady requests
I lie awake at night
I think a lot of you and I
the pope got killed and God knows why

you're in his arms tonight
oh for heaven's sake he's a fake
he likes to watch Will & Grace

she has a down on this rhythm
and I told her not to listen
this is music for those who have lost
and I told you I couldn't sing this in front of a mirror
I'm The Doorman, in front of a door

will you find Mr. Right?
I recommend The Doorman, give him a big hand
he has impaired sight
he might look pretty dense
there's the bell
he lost himself or a contact lens

she has a down on this rhythm
and I told her not to listen
this is music which totally sucks
and I told you I couldn't play this in front of a listener
I'm not a jukebox and he ain't God

he ain't that kind of guy who waits anxiously for you to arrive
he's something like a complete dickhead who fucks around in his life
he's an autobiographer who fills empty pages
with thoughts on penis enlargement, virtual golf, webcam porn and the lyrics from the latest of Korn

I never sleep at night
I'm really scared to find you there, figuring in a nightmare
you and your Son of Sam
life is a joke, his ghostwriter must be Edgar Allan Poe
he is a dead Doorman
I'm the goddamn Doorman
Track Name: bite me
you should swim in the pond tonight
your skin is covered with insect bites
in a hot summer night

I told your friend to turn off the fan
he's quite the character, a family man
but the two of us will sit at the fire tonight
when the fire has died I will hold you tight

when I was touring in France I looked in your eyes
you knew my performance was merely a disguise
but there was nothing to hide

I see your friend has gone to bed
in tails and white tie but he will lose with heads
'cause the two of us will sit at the fire tonight
when the fire has died I will hold you tight

when we wake we will fan the embers
and wait for the fall at the end of September
and I know your friend is a persistent guy
but all bugs will die with insecticide

he likes to fuck all the lady bugs, preying in the sky
likes to suck out all life in the dark of the night
blood is thicker than water tonight
whatever that means
Track Name: fick-luder
as small as I may feel when I need her so badly
a duchess is crumbling when I look into her eyes

at times when you kill me, I've got a bulletproof jacket
and when resurrected I watch while your boyfriend dies

the fire's still burning despite of the water
and my stomach's still turning when I think of your mother
and I've already told you that there is no camera
but you're playing around with guys who did not get the script
we have re-elected a party and still nobody wants to try the punch, goddamnit

your Furby gets a treatment of love and affection
but in the dissecting room there was no heart inside

the fire's still burning despite of the water
and my stomach's still turning when I think of your mother
and I've already told you that there is no camera
but you're playing around with guys who did not get the script
for fuck's sake, you fucking
Track Name: dykes were on us
your buddy, ex-pal
your best friend is fucking my niece
you know they all look exactly like me
well, I don't know, no, what happens in your head
when you take off with him, it really makes me sad

and you are the Israel loving Jew
(you) are the negro polishing boots
(you) are the child molester Cruise

goddamned, you're fucking with that man
he's full of shit and he likes to be your friend
well, I get crucified by the Ku Klux Klan

and you are the Israel loving Jew
(you) are the negro polishing boots
(you) are the child molester Cruise

a life-time supply of spam in your mailbox
the others will have to suck cocks
with women all around,
women all around
women all around
women all around
yeah, yeah, the milf really got sour
women all around
women all around
women all around
the deafening sound of
women all around
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Track Name: Star Death Deep Throat 9
Janeway to the bridge
Ashlee flash yr tits
Flash Gordon likes that shit
slamming crystal meth

these are teen idols by the grace of their fans
let’s call up Jesus Christ and crucify that man
again and again

Captain’s Log, Stardate
w/7 of 9, I feel so great
Rick Salomon leaked the tape
for all to masturbate

these are teen idols by the grace of their fans
let’s call up Jesus Christ and crucify that man
again and again

call your dirty lawyer, sue’m for fuckin’ up yr face
they rolled her from the clinic straight into Sick Bay
let’s reshape her labia and bleach her butthole
my tricorder says you’re human who’s in want of a soul

action figure Cobain
doesn’t shoot his brain
let’s insert a battery
and ram the Mustang in me

these are teen idols by the grace of their fans
let’s call up Jesus Christ and crucify that man
recreating Teen Spirit, buttons on a plastic guitar
tonight we’re gonna blow up the corporate Death Star
we have to straitjacket it
we have to conjure it out
we have to……… get the fuck out of this

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